dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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