Got a toothbrush?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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