I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
