So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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