I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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