a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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