my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
