yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
