You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
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I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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