so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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