If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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