i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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