I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
