omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
