New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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