i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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