3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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