Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Couch. On fire.
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