Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
