That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
