I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
