from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
