Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
