someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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