I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
