If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
