Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just forgot I was standing up.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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