census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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