she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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