Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
