well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
