she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
