god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
