I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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