I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
