so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
