Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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