we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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