I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Who died my cat blue again?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
