Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
