took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
