Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
