I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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