p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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