I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
