Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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