I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
