Cold hands, warm shart.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
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