I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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