Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
