theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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