just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
