Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
why do cheetos always look like penises
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
