I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
