I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
