I look better un-naked...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
