my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
